Long Time No See, Internets

Disclaimer: This post involves thought-vomit and psychobable.  Read at your own risk.

It's been almost five months.  A lot has happened.  And still, if you were to ask me what's been going on since October, I would probably say something non-committal and vague, something like "Oh, not much."

Lily stayed in the hospital until the night before Thanksgiving.  That made for a particularly happy holiday season.  Thanksgiving break was kind of whirlwind, spending all afternoon Tuesday getting ready, then all night at the hospital, then all day Wednesday getting ready even more.  

A few sleepless nights months later, here we are in March.  I'm working as the ESL specialist at a local high school, and I'm well into my internship at an agency that does court-ordered counseling.  Camille is in her third and (hopefully!) final student teaching placement.  She only got in a week at her second placement.  I guess Lily really didn't want her to be there, because that's when she came to see us.  It worked out well, because Camille told me a few times that the second placement wasn't a good fit for her.  The new placement is much better.

A few thoughts that have occurred to me since last I was here:

Albert Ellis

• In my counseling work, I find myself talking a lot about "shoulds," or what psychologist Albert Ellis called "musterbation."  We, as people, are really good at telling ourselves and each other what we should, must, or ought to do.  When we internalize those messages, we don't get any closer to actually doing what we should.  We just end up thinking that we're bad for not doing it, and then feeling guilty, ashamed, or angry.  Instead of telling myself or others that "I should" or "You should," I prefer to say (and hear) "I want to" or "It would help if you."  That way, I usually succeed in reducing judgment for not following through and on guilt.  I would really like it, and I think y'all would too, if we got better at communicating our wants and needs in constructive ways.

• Similarly, we people tend to do better with positive requests rather than negative ones.  For example, at my internship, another counselor asked me not to do something.  She had good reason for asking, and she explained why very clearly.  She was very professional, and I have no complaint about her or her communication.  The problem arose when I asked myself "What should I do instead?"  I didn't know what to do.  I still haven't quite figured out an alternative.  There are several options, and it won't be very difficult to make something work, but I have felt a little confused and a little anxious over not knowing what to do for a couple of days now.  I'm still just barely learning to make positive requests, so I won't claim credit for being good at it.  Nevertheless, I'll make a positive request of you, Internets users: Please make positive requests of each other.  It makes it so much easier to know what to do.  You can leave your requests open, if you want.  That way there's room for creativity, experimentation, or even trial and error.  That way there's also room for confidence, progress, and achievement.

There's my two cents for the last few months.  I'll leave you for now with the immortal words of social historians Logan and Preston (1989).  "Be excellent to each other.  And party on, dudes."

Bane the Elephant and Other Unlikely Kids

My daughter's life is a miracle.

Granted, I believe that every life is something of a miracle, and I can see a clear sequence of logical reasons why that miracle happened.  But that doesn't make her life any less miraculous.

My wife Camille had an uneventful pregnancy--she never got seriously sick, and she never complained of some of the other major discomforts of pregnancy.  The doctor kept telling us that everything looked healthy and normal.

Then, yesterday morning, I got a call from Camille.  She never calls me during work hours, so I knew something serious was up.  She was on her way to the doctor because something hurt.  The doctor sent her straight on to the hospital for observation.  When I saw the word hospital in her next message, I knew I had to go.  As I was pulling into the hospital parking lot, her sister (who also happens to be the assistant at Camille's doctor's office) called me to tell me Lily was on her way right then.

Fortunately, the labor and delivery were mostly just like the pregnancy--uneventful.  But there was still the slightly terrifying fact that our baby was about two months early.  We've all heard heart-wrenching stories about families whose babies have been born too early.  The doctor told us that it might be scary for a little while, but that the long-term prognosis was really good, but in a moment like that, all the doctors in the world couldn't make it better.  They've got her on a machine to strengthen her lungs, and a feeding tube.

I was (and still am) more than a little worried about her chances and her future.  But last night we got to sit by her bed.  And this morning we got to help feed her, and this afternoon Camille got to hold her.

So, as I've debated whether Lily's breathing mask makes her look more like Bane or an elephant, I've come to realize that my daughter's life really is a miracle.

Whether or not you believe in God or a higher power of some kind, remember that miracles happen.  Sometimes science can't explain them, and we call them God or chance or bizarre twists of fate.  Other times, we can explain them easily, and we call them cutting-edge technology.  Either way, it's a miracle that Lily was alive this morning when I woke up.  It's a miracle that there are machines and medicines that can make her lungs stronger and feed her.  It's a miracle that so many miraculous things came together to keep Lily healthy.  And it's a miracle that that so many other unlikely lives are so full and happy today.

So Lily, welcome to the world, the family, and all that comes with it.