Friday, June 27, 2014

Sticks and Stones, Say Hello to My Little Friend: ALSO

Be careful about how you use words.  They can be wonderfully powerful tools for lifting people up.  They can also be terribly destructive weapons against dignity, self-respect, and happiness.

This week, the Mormon community (which I consider myself part of) was left reeling--and arguing--in the wake of news of the excommunication of Kate Kelly, a prominent activist.  Kelly is the head of a group called Ordain Women (OW).  In the Mormon church, most men are ordained to the lay priesthood, while women are not.  Kelly and OW are seeking to change that.  

Kelly and her supporters claim that they have been asking Church leaders the hard questions with no response.  They claim that because of the Church's silence, they have been forced to ask louder and louder, even to the point of marching in the streets and organizing rallies at major Church events.

On the other side, the Church's official statements encourage questioning as a way to actively seek truth.  Kelly wasn't asking tough questions, but fomenting rebellion and leading people astray, the Church argues.

I've read some angry, vitriolic, and downright hateful comments from people on both sides of the issue.  I won't link to any of them, because I believe they are counter-productive.  On Kelly's side, I see the main idea as something like "We are sad, scared, and angry because the Church passed a spiritual death sentence against someone who was sincerely seeking truth."  On the Church's side, it seems to me that people are saying "We think that we've protected the Church and our people from Kate Kelly, who was dangerously making demands of God and His servants."  

I've also read some beautifully written pieces calling for friendship, empathy, and acceptance, and arguing that as a community, "We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately."  Mormon Iconoclast, for example writes powerfully about the "immensely rewarding and frustrating trans-cultural conversation" that leads "a little ways towards healing."  Lisa at Feminist Mormon Housewives poignantly argues here that disciplinary action against Kelly and another prominent Mormon activist is like amputating a part of the body of Christ, as discussed by Paul.  

This morning I read a post about what one woman has learned from the news about Kelly.  As I read, I felt more and more eager, more and more like she was on to something, more and more energized to learn similar lessons to the ones she had learned.

Preach it!
And then I reached the last section, and it felt like someone had let go of the balloon without tying it.  On the way to her main point, the author very gently voices her disagreement with Kelly, and then argues in favor of peace and acceptance.  Then she writes that it's time for "discerning which of our sisters [and brothers] may also be confused or struggling- and offering our strength, faith, and insights instead of our judgments."

Did you catch it?  It took me a minute.  I was very disappointed in two ways.  
  1. "Confused" and "struggling" can be negative judgment words.  I'm sure that there really are Mormon men and women who are confused and struggling about Kelly's expulsion.  But I'm equally sure that there are people who are dissatisfied and leaving with ease and clarity.  Just because someone's view is different, it doesn't mean that they're suffering.
  2. "Also" is a four-letter word.  The author subtly voices the assumption that Kelly and her supporters must be confused and struggling.  For other questioners to be "also" confused, it must mean that the people we've already discussed were confused to begin with.
I don't doubt that the author had good intentions.  After all, the overall message of her article is one of unity and love.  But with three simple words, she pokes holes in her argument.  She labels a group of people with words that are condescending at best, and she groups people who may not be much alike.

So be careful with words.  If you're trying to say something helpful, use helpful words.  If you're trying to encourage, use encouraging ones.  Don't use them to label people, and make sure they're narrow or broad enough for what you really mean.