Sticks and Stones, Say Hello to My Little Friend: ALSO

Be careful about how you use words.  They can be wonderfully powerful tools for lifting people up.  They can also be terribly destructive weapons against dignity, self-respect, and happiness.

This week, the Mormon community (which I consider myself part of) was left reeling--and arguing--in the wake of news of the excommunication of Kate Kelly, a prominent activist.  Kelly is the head of a group called Ordain Women (OW).  In the Mormon church, most men are ordained to the lay priesthood, while women are not.  Kelly and OW are seeking to change that.  

Kelly and her supporters claim that they have been asking Church leaders the hard questions with no response.  They claim that because of the Church's silence, they have been forced to ask louder and louder, even to the point of marching in the streets and organizing rallies at major Church events.

On the other side, the Church's official statements encourage questioning as a way to actively seek truth.  Kelly wasn't asking tough questions, but fomenting rebellion and leading people astray, the Church argues.

I've read some angry, vitriolic, and downright hateful comments from people on both sides of the issue.  I won't link to any of them, because I believe they are counter-productive.  On Kelly's side, I see the main idea as something like "We are sad, scared, and angry because the Church passed a spiritual death sentence against someone who was sincerely seeking truth."  On the Church's side, it seems to me that people are saying "We think that we've protected the Church and our people from Kate Kelly, who was dangerously making demands of God and His servants."  

I've also read some beautifully written pieces calling for friendship, empathy, and acceptance, and arguing that as a community, "We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately."  Mormon Iconoclast, for example writes powerfully about the "immensely rewarding and frustrating trans-cultural conversation" that leads "a little ways towards healing."  Lisa at Feminist Mormon Housewives poignantly argues here that disciplinary action against Kelly and another prominent Mormon activist is like amputating a part of the body of Christ, as discussed by Paul.  

This morning I read a post about what one woman has learned from the news about Kelly.  As I read, I felt more and more eager, more and more like she was on to something, more and more energized to learn similar lessons to the ones she had learned.

Preach it!

And then I reached the last section, and it felt like someone had let go of the balloon without tying it.  On the way to her main point, the author very gently voices her disagreement with Kelly, and then argues in favor of peace and acceptance.  Then she writes that it's time for "discerning which of our sisters [and brothers] may also be confused or struggling- and offering our strength, faith, and insights instead of our judgments."

Did you catch it?  It took me a minute.  I was very disappointed in two ways.  

1. "Confused" and "struggling" can be negative judgment words.  I'm sure that there really are Mormon men and women who are confused and struggling about Kelly's expulsion.  But I'm equally sure that there are people who are dissatisfied and leaving with ease and clarity.  Just because someone's view is different, it doesn't mean that they're suffering.
2. "Also" is a four-letter word.  The author subtly voices the assumption that Kelly and her supporters must be confused and struggling.  For other questioners to be "also" confused, it must mean that the people we've already discussed were confused to begin with.

I don't doubt that the author had good intentions.  After all, the overall message of her article is one of unity and love.  But with three simple words, she pokes holes in her argument.  She labels a group of people with words that are condescending at best, and she groups people who may not be much alike.

So be careful with words.  If you're trying to say something helpful, use helpful words.  If you're trying to encourage, use encouraging ones.  Don't use them to label people, and make sure they're narrow or broad enough for what you really mean.

Recommended Reading: Francisco Jimenez

In The Circuit, Francisco Jimenez tells stories from his childhood, starting with his family's crossing the Mexico/U.S. border under cover of night in the 1940s.  He details how they made the loop of farms in central and southern California with the seasons, uprooting every couple of months to find a new job, a new school, and a new place to live.


In Breaking Through, he writes about his high school years, and about the stability his family found with full-time work in Santa Maria, CA.  He includes details about learning to love rock 'n' roll, learning to drive, working full time, dealing with difficult family relationships, dealing with racism, and breaking through the cycle of poverty.

Francisco Jimenez

Francisco Jimenez is currently chairman of the Modern Languages and Literature Dept. at Santa Clara University. In addition to being an prolific writer, Dr. Jimenez is an outstanding advocate for underprivileged, underrepresented people in American society.  His stories are mostly autobiographical, and thus from the perspective of a Mexican immigrant.  But he has pointed out that his experiences are not his alone, but are shared by many, many others.

Jimenez is a role model for me and for the students I work with.  Reading The Circuit and Breaking Through, I see a responsible, empowered individual who does the virtually impossible by succeeding and excelling in spite of terribly heavy oppression.  For my students, he is someone who has lived what they are living and has come through stronger for it.

Jimenez has also written Reaching Out, about his early adulthood and college experience.  I haven't read it yet.  If it's anything like The Circuit or Breaking Through, it's sure to be a beautiful collection of poignant, easily readable stories that speak to the human experience in a way few books can.

Long Time No See, Internets

Disclaimer: This post involves thought-vomit and psychobable.  Read at your own risk.

It's been almost five months.  A lot has happened.  And still, if you were to ask me what's been going on since October, I would probably say something non-committal and vague, something like "Oh, not much."

Lily stayed in the hospital until the night before Thanksgiving.  That made for a particularly happy holiday season.  Thanksgiving break was kind of whirlwind, spending all afternoon Tuesday getting ready, then all night at the hospital, then all day Wednesday getting ready even more.  

A few sleepless nights months later, here we are in March.  I'm working as the ESL specialist at a local high school, and I'm well into my internship at an agency that does court-ordered counseling.  Camille is in her third and (hopefully!) final student teaching placement.  She only got in a week at her second placement.  I guess Lily really didn't want her to be there, because that's when she came to see us.  It worked out well, because Camille told me a few times that the second placement wasn't a good fit for her.  The new placement is much better.

A few thoughts that have occurred to me since last I was here:

Albert Ellis

• In my counseling work, I find myself talking a lot about "shoulds," or what psychologist Albert Ellis called "musterbation."  We, as people, are really good at telling ourselves and each other what we should, must, or ought to do.  When we internalize those messages, we don't get any closer to actually doing what we should.  We just end up thinking that we're bad for not doing it, and then feeling guilty, ashamed, or angry.  Instead of telling myself or others that "I should" or "You should," I prefer to say (and hear) "I want to" or "It would help if you."  That way, I usually succeed in reducing judgment for not following through and on guilt.  I would really like it, and I think y'all would too, if we got better at communicating our wants and needs in constructive ways.

• Similarly, we people tend to do better with positive requests rather than negative ones.  For example, at my internship, another counselor asked me not to do something.  She had good reason for asking, and she explained why very clearly.  She was very professional, and I have no complaint about her or her communication.  The problem arose when I asked myself "What should I do instead?"  I didn't know what to do.  I still haven't quite figured out an alternative.  There are several options, and it won't be very difficult to make something work, but I have felt a little confused and a little anxious over not knowing what to do for a couple of days now.  I'm still just barely learning to make positive requests, so I won't claim credit for being good at it.  Nevertheless, I'll make a positive request of you, Internets users: Please make positive requests of each other.  It makes it so much easier to know what to do.  You can leave your requests open, if you want.  That way there's room for creativity, experimentation, or even trial and error.  That way there's also room for confidence, progress, and achievement.

There's my two cents for the last few months.  I'll leave you for now with the immortal words of social historians Logan and Preston (1989).  "Be excellent to each other.  And party on, dudes."